Winter light and lavender

So here I was sitting. Everything was packed. Ready to go. But I was not. Can I leave the house, which was supposed to be my home?

"Are you ready?"

I looked at him, "No, I'm not.", I answered and stood up. We got to the car, it was only rented. For the two days I would move out.

I moved out of the house, and at the same time I moved out of the life I had always wanted to live. We were happy, a perfect couple, a perfect home, a perfect life. Until the day he committed sucide. Nothing was as it was before. Everything changed in just two seconds...

We drove down the street, Mrs Henderson put out her flowers, it was spring, it was getting warm. I was cold, it was five years ago, we saw this house the first time. It was spring, just like now. Damn it, it took us five years to have the house we always dreamed about, and it took only two damned days to get the house just as it was before. Empty, cold, dead. Dead, yes dead just like Jason. He was dead. Thinking about it just brought me to tears again.

My brother was driving. I don't know what I would have done without Mike. He was so good to me. We stopped at the traffic lights. It's the end of the street. I don't know what made me do it, but I had to get out of the car. It was only rented, but it was rented to get me out of my life. I was not able to leave all that behind me. I ran back up the street, I went back into my house. Yes, it's still my house. I was sitting on my couch, it was covered already. But anyway, I was only sitting there. Not willing to go anywhere.

I was waiting for Mike to come back to get me out of the house. I was just thinking up thousands of excuses, why I couldn't go away. But he didn't come. He might understood, I just needed a couple more hours to sit on my couch, which was covered.

Then, somebody knocked on my door, I opened. It was Mrs Henderson.
"I brought you a cup of coffee. Just sitting and thinking is not good. Drink it my dear, you will feel better. I put a little bit of cognac in it. It will be good for you.", she smiled.
"Thank you, it is very kind. Do you want to come inside?"
"No, no, I would only disturb. I only brought you the coffee, because I know your machine is already packed away. I saw you running up the street. I know very well, you need to be alone now. But I'm at home if you need me, all right?"
"Yes, thank you so much. Thank you.", I closed the door. I couldn't stand it anymore. I was crying and crying all over and over again. Oh my God, it must have been half an hour.

Everything came out. I was not able to do anything. I was desperate. I drank the coffee. It was already cold, but I didn't even notice. I drank the coffee, sitting on my couch, which was covered.
Is that really the only possibility? To move out? Even if everything reminds me of Jason, wouldn't I be able to make my life one day?

Would I really think less about him if I just leave everything behind?
Isn't it just like running away?

* * *
What’s happening? Will she make her life? Will she go or will she stay in the house of her dreams?
if you wanna read more, just let me know in a comment;-))